I have learned the hard way, that you can't get what you want, when you want it all the time. When we got married in 2009, I knew things wouldn't be easy but I never dreamed they would be this tough and that we would have so many struggles in such a small amount of time.
We wanted what we wanted and we wanted it instantly. We have moved a lot in the past 3 years, mostly because we were forced to since we got ourselves into more than we could handle, like rent that we couldn't afford. I pray that my friends who are newly married or about to move out on their own don't make that same mistake. It's easy to see other's mistakes when you are sitting on the bench, but once you're in the game, you'll realize it's a lot harder than you had originally thought, at least that was the case for us.
In November of 2009 Adam and I started trying for a baby. I was only 18 and he was only 20, but it was (and is) what we wanted. We tried for a year until finally in November of 2010, almost exactly a year later, I felt sick one morning so I took a pregnancy test and it was very faintly pink. I didn't think much of it, just assumed I was seeing things, so the next morning we bought a digital test, and I remember I was so freaked out, I didn't want to look at it, so Adam did and sure enough it said "pregnant." I was more thrilled and excited than I had even been in my life. I couldn't really let myself believe it so I bought 6 more tests, just to make sure ( all of which were positive) I called my dr., set up an appointment and started taking my prenatal vitamins.
This was on a Sunday. That Thursday was Thanksgiving and Adam and I, along with my mom and step-dad were going to my aunt and uncles in Oklahoma for the holidays. I was so happy. I had waited a whole year for this and I could celebrate it on Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving morning I noticed that I was bleeding (Sorry TMI!) It wasn't bad so I brushed it off, but once we got on the road and were about to St. Louis I started cramping pretty badly and bleeding even more now, like a period. I stopped and got all the necessities and we were on our way again. I tried to tell myself that it was ok, that I was pregnant, I had 8 tests to confirm it, 4 of which were digital. But as the day progressed, nothing changed. I couldn't tell Adam what was happening, he seemed more excited than I did about all of this. I didn't want to crush him like it was crushing me. That night we ate dinner, I played "happy" and Adam and I went to bed. I told him I didn't think I was pregnant, and I told him that I didn't want us to get upset. I didn't want it to be made into a huge ordeal. So we left it at that, the next day I bought a pregnancy test and it was negative.
I didn't allow myself to feel sad or angry or upset. I honestly had no clue what had happened, and I just assumed that all those pregnancy tests were false positives. Surprisingly, I did have a good week. Like I said, I didn't let myself get upset because I knew if I did, it would be ugly.
When I got back home I called my dr. and soon found out that I most likely had what's called a chemical pregnancy.
"A chemical pregnancy is a clinical term used for a very early miscarriage In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman's period was due but a miscarriage occurred before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound."
Most people would say that I was never really pregnant physically, but I was definitely mentally and emotionally.
Obviously it's been almost another two years now and still no baby. But I learned that day that things don't happen like you plan. I'm only 21 years old. An age where most people are still in college and getting there life together and an age where most people haven't yet settled down and gotten married.
I'm in no rush, anymore. I know that God will allow it to happen when it's meant to happen.
I know how you feel, I had a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage at 7 weeks before Makenzie. You'll get you little bundle (:
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